So where do I start? What has happened in five months? Well first let me explain a little bit about why exactly I took a break. The short of it is that life got intense. And intense in a bad way. This Autumn I found myself abruptly faced with the dissolution of my marriage to put it bluntly. It was a dark and heavy time. Honestly as I am writing this I can feel waves of pain wash over me as I think back to the end of September when things came unhinged. I can say with absolute certainty that I am not the same person as I am now before September 27th. In all sincerity, if it wasn't for my faith, my friends Chris and Anya, as well as my church family and other close friends, I don't think I would have made it- or we. Period. But as time has passed and things have come more into perspective so I feel like I can return back to this place and begin to open up my life again.
My husband and I are still together and strong. I truly love him to the moon and back. I look back on both our lives and our marriage and I am quite convinced that there is nothing we cannot weather as long as we keep our eyes on God. However, please do not misunderstand me, I wish a thousand times over that I could erase this Autumn from my life story. I wish I could erase the struggles and deep seated issues that my husband is dealing with. I wish I could erase my own- because let's face it- we all have them. And if I've learned anything over the past five months it's that I am not alone and that there is a larger purpose to this event in my life, my husband's life, my children's lives, and my friends' lives. Really in the end it is not about me. It's about God and the story that he is writing through us. (Thank you PCC WM for that nice line!)
I have always come to this place with the purpose of being real with you all. I feel that I can't do so without sharing this dark part of my Fall. However one of the other small things that helped me live and keep breathing were the little pockets of light I saw in my daily life around me. I am so thankful that God opened my heart and eyes to his love and joy around me. If anything thing, in the darkest moments, he gave me joy and a love of life I never thought possible. Who knew painting with my children or apple picking could bring my soul so much peace? I found him gently reminding me that his fields were still ripe for harvest and that he is not quite done with me or Craig yet.
Over and over again I felt him come near to me. The further away I get from that time the more and more I see his provision so acutely. Also the further I get from it, the more I feel I can share. And through sharing I have found that literally I am not the only one whose marriage is struggling in the same terrible way. The shame that I carry and still continue to carry at times has helped keep me silent. Over and over again however instead of being met with condemnation, I have been met with love and close friends sharing stories of how they too are struggling in the same way.
So dear reader- please do not feel like you are the only one struggling in life or in your marriage- or your parenting. I am convinced that there is a power at work in this fallen world that desires to keep us alone, isolated, and ashamed. One that whispers that there is something wrong with us, because why else would this happen to me or you? But that is not truth. Because Jesus came to seek and save the lost. And we're all lost on this side of heaven.
With that I'll leave you with some sweet pictures and some hope if you're struggling. I try to keep some privacy online but in real life I'm an open book. If you have a question about what has happened specifically, you need some love or help- PLEASE email me. Please, please, please- even if you're not a Christian. While my beliefs and church helped me through this please do not think that I am not just as here for you if we happen to have different beliefs. When it comes down to the nitty gritty of life struggles, the hurt runs just as deep and stings just as much regardless of who we are.
Much Love,
Nicole
