Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

Monday, February 20, 2012

A Deep Wound

Nala, the black one on top, I raised her from a chick. 

Adult Nala- She was the friendliest with the kids.

Tonight, inexplicably, my favorite pet hen died in my arms. She was fine this morning and afternoon. Then as I went to put her up three hours later, I found her laying in her coop very weak. An hour later, after I brought her inside the house and began to treat her, she had passed. 

I usually take death well with my animals. We have had predators get them and it always saddens me but I just accept it as part of life and move on. But I've never lost one and not known why. It just sorta eats me up, especially since Nala was just so so sweet. 

So I had big things to share tonight about our fun weekend and some homeschool developments, but right now I just don't have the heart. I miss my sweet hen

Until next time, 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

::right now::

Right now, I am... (a tradition birthed by SouleMama aka Amanda Blake Soule)

Right Now, I am ...
:: savoring my life, this day, and its flowing beauty. To think I could not be here in this world to enjoy this is still pretty surreal and unsettling. 
:: appreciating the thoughts and prayers for myself and the lady whom died in the crash. It means so much.  
:: feeling out of sorts. I keep unintentionally replaying the woman and the accident in my mind. I am trying to swallow the enormity of the situation as well as trying to comprehend-if possible- God's seemingly  swift and thoughtless hand in death.  I was spared but another was not. My belief is unwavering and I *know* there is perfect reasoning and timing behind this all...BUT sometimes I just don't like it .
:: hoping justice will have its day in this life concerning the crash and whether the man in the SUV was negligent. Please also pray for me since I might be called onto testify in his vehicular manslaughter trial. 
::aching more for the men, women, and children in the world whom suffer injustices daily- with no voice or tangible hope.  I thought we were told to never forget the Holocaust yet its happening again elsewhere
:: anticipating a great move. I am pretty much all packed. What I have yet to pack will be easy to do once we are closer to the 30th and it feels good! 
:: loving my new book. I can't wait to get back to sewing!
:: laughing at my baby boy. He loves peaches and corn on the cob so much that he literally hyperventilates with excitement when he sees either of them. 
:: enjoying Deirdre's love for Kevin Devine and Elliott Smith. I mean thats all I listened to when I was pregnant with her so I am sure that plays some part in it all. She is indignantly positive that Kevin wrote her (and only her) a lullaby. And well I am just going to let her keep believing that. I mean she really is a snow faced girl ;) 
:: remembering the first time I saw Kevin Devine play. I was in London with Craig and I was 6 months pregnant with Deirdre. Unforgettable. (Sorry about all the music references tonight but when I get stuck in my head too deep, listening to him helps reground me and me move along). So you should listen to him too :D
:: thanking Craig for working so hard for us and giving up his music career to do so. Six years later and I still find myself marveling at you. You are a good man. Way too good for me. 
::wishing you and yours a bright and rich week. Thanks for your patience as I get back on my feet with the crash and move. 

Monday, July 18, 2011

Haunting: A Close Call

Haunting: A Close Call 

I must apologize to you all for my absence. With the move in less than two weeks, I have been wrapped up in packing  planning, and shopping. So while I still indeed on blogging regularly- and after the move I am sure I will- things might be a bit sporadic from now until the 3rd of August or so ;) 

However there is another reason why I did not blog yesterday. A pretty good reason at that. Yesterday I almost died in a car accident. So close that I literally saw my life flash before my eyes and just knew I was going to die. Seriously heavy stuff. 

But obviously I did not and I am fine. Shaken and bewildered, but fine. I however cannot say the same for the others involved in the crash. One person in the first SUV that got hit-a woman- was critically injured and crushed. Her dog died on the scene as well as others with minor injures. 

The crash happened late yesterday afternoon on 64 Eastbound near the Northampton Boulevard exit. I was in the third lane to the right on the four lane highway. In front of me and at times next to me was a black SVU. The SUV was going faster than the rest of traffic and merging a bit erratically. I noticed it but just kept on going in my lane. 

Then out of no where, in the middle of my Kevin Devine cd, I heard/felt/sensed God/the Holy Spirit/Whomever shout "Move" to me. Instinctually I merged into the right hand lane. Not two second later- not even enough time for me to exhale and ponder about what the heck just spoke "Move" to me- the SUV weaves at a 90 degree angle right into the spot where I just was. The car was so close to my window that a could have spit on it. 

In that moment I knew I was going to die. I drive a small Honda and this SUV was huge... and it was going to crush me. So there I was knowing I was going to die, being ok with that, and all I could think of was my husband Craig. Just him. Just his smiling face. 

And then Death passed over me. The SUV- Suburban I think- then did a 360 in the other direction smashing into THREE other cars, ultimately slamming them all into the side rail.

Glass, fiber glass, metal, and blood immediately covered the highway. So much destruction. At this point I brake quickly three times, turn on my emergency flashers to alert the traffic behind me, and come to a fast stop. 

Next I hear the sound of screaming brakes as different SUV FLIES past me at a 45 degree angle- again close enough to touch- into the pile of four cars. At this point I almost had a heart attack. But then my life guard & first aide training sets in. Less than 100 feet away from me was the pile of cars, and one of them had a woman in. Her SUV got the worse of the pile-up. She was t-boned by the 1st car and then hit head on by the last car. She was bleeding heavily and her legs were crushed. I saw that traffic has stopped and I get out of my car and run over to her. 

Then I saw and heard the most haunting thing I've ever witnessed in my life. This poor poor woman's guttural scream. That is all she could do was cry and scream. I do not think I will ever forget that scream. It will haunt me until I die.

I told her its ok and that she needs to stay still. I see in her backseat that she had a dog and that it is now dead. As I frantically call 911, another bystander runs up. This man says he is a doctor and begins to apply pressure to her wound on her neck. Soon we hear a firetruck coming and two state troopers pull up. I gave the second trooper my contact information quickly as they cleared the scene and began to cut her out of her car. 

I shake the entire way to my mother's house. I cried and cried and held my children tight. I called my husband. And then I had to turn around and drive home, this time with my kids. Lets just say the drive home was slow- very slow- and stressful. 

Once I got home and put the baby to bed, I held my daughter until she fell asleep. I was so thankful that I got to be with her for longer. To treasure this life. After I laid her into bed, then I could calm down. I prayed, I cried,  and I talked to God. 

This whole incident has been hard to digest. I was spared- but another was not. Why me? I am no more deserving than the others. You spoke to me and saved me- yet not to the woman? Why did you let that man, who lost control of his vehicle hurt your children so badly? 

Obviously I do not have the answers to these questions. I learned long ago to just accept God's wisdom and timing. While I do not want to die- if it is my time then it is. And that is ok with me. I lived alot of life in my few years. I have loved. I have helped create and mold two beautiful lives. I have known the Lord. I have lived a good life. But yesterday was not my time. Not just yet. 

I guess I have some more things left to do on this earth. I do have a new sense of appreciation for my life and health, and that of the one's I love. But besides that, I am still bewildered and haunted. Life passes so quickly and ends in a flash. 

I gave my statement to the police tonight. The woman, in the SUV which  should  have been me, died today from complications. 

So my dear friends. Treasure This Moment. This Day. This Week. 

A new fuzzy life I found in my window. It seems this little birdie needed to be tucked back into his nest! 

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Today has not been the best day in my book. I really am not picky about my days but well any day involving death makes me feel justified in my opinion of today being bad at least. I skipped church today because I woke up again with seasonal allergy discomfort (headache, throat, and nose junk). Jonas also woke up in a bad mood, which usually does not color my day but he had not slept well yesterday or that evening... so I decided to stay home with him just in case. 

Jonas is like a robot you see. He needs his naps at the time he needs them. Two a day. If he gets his naps, in his bed, with his babies- then he is a happy boy and sleeps great! If not well, he wont sleep and hasn't done well with that in the past. Oh well! But today since I was not feeling well I NEEDED him to nap for Mommy.  

Deirdre has been and always will be a great sleeper- for me at least. If she does ever nap or sleep poorly I can usually lay with her to help her sleep. I basically swaddle her with my arms, like I did when she was a baby. Within 10 minutes she is out like a light. 

At any rate during nap time today I changed the chick bedding and food like I have been. When I returned, one chick was dead. Not five minutes earlier she was peeping and alive. I was very very upset. I look over the others to make sure that they are fine and then gently wrap the dead chick and put her aside. Her name was 'Bambi". 

I quickly called Craig to tell him what happened and he told me that I should use this as an opportunity to talk to Deirdre about death. So when she woke up and checked on the chicks like she usually does, she saw that there was one missing. I explained that Bambi had died and that sometimes for no reason people and animals die. She was so very upset. She wanted to know "why" and "what happened". I finally got it out of her that she thought it was her fault that the baby died and that she did something wrong. I assured her that we did not do anything wrong and she calmed down some. 

Death is something I have some experience with but it is not something I have ever really profoundly thought about. I had four Grandparents (I was close to all of them and extremely close to one), all of whom I have lost to cancer starting with my Grandfather in 1994 and ending with my Pop-Pop last winter. Two of my close friends died tragically in high school, one in a car accident and the other who was murdered (which is still unsolved). All of these people were in my life on a weekly basis. I have vivid memories, letters, notes, photos and gifts from all of them. I miss each and everyone of them and thankfully I do have some peace now. But from time to time I do specifically cry out to God for justice when I think of my friend Shellie. Rachael "Shellie" Carson was my best friend in 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. She was raped and murdered the day I left for college by the soccer fields we used to play on. If her attacker(s) will not be brought to justice in this lifetime, then they will certainly be in the next.

I am going to end this blog on a down note, so sorry. Just thinking about my grandparents and friends is very hard and still hurts deeply. There are regrets and guilt wrapped up in that sorrow too. I will say that I hope to one day be able to talk to Deirdre wisely about death and in a healthy biblically sound way. However it is not something I ever hope for her to experience - despite the impossibility of that hope. 

Daily Verse: 

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 9:23-24