Sunday, April 3, 2011


Today has not been the best day in my book. I really am not picky about my days but well any day involving death makes me feel justified in my opinion of today being bad at least. I skipped church today because I woke up again with seasonal allergy discomfort (headache, throat, and nose junk). Jonas also woke up in a bad mood, which usually does not color my day but he had not slept well yesterday or that evening... so I decided to stay home with him just in case. 

Jonas is like a robot you see. He needs his naps at the time he needs them. Two a day. If he gets his naps, in his bed, with his babies- then he is a happy boy and sleeps great! If not well, he wont sleep and hasn't done well with that in the past. Oh well! But today since I was not feeling well I NEEDED him to nap for Mommy.  

Deirdre has been and always will be a great sleeper- for me at least. If she does ever nap or sleep poorly I can usually lay with her to help her sleep. I basically swaddle her with my arms, like I did when she was a baby. Within 10 minutes she is out like a light. 

At any rate during nap time today I changed the chick bedding and food like I have been. When I returned, one chick was dead. Not five minutes earlier she was peeping and alive. I was very very upset. I look over the others to make sure that they are fine and then gently wrap the dead chick and put her aside. Her name was 'Bambi". 

I quickly called Craig to tell him what happened and he told me that I should use this as an opportunity to talk to Deirdre about death. So when she woke up and checked on the chicks like she usually does, she saw that there was one missing. I explained that Bambi had died and that sometimes for no reason people and animals die. She was so very upset. She wanted to know "why" and "what happened". I finally got it out of her that she thought it was her fault that the baby died and that she did something wrong. I assured her that we did not do anything wrong and she calmed down some. 

Death is something I have some experience with but it is not something I have ever really profoundly thought about. I had four Grandparents (I was close to all of them and extremely close to one), all of whom I have lost to cancer starting with my Grandfather in 1994 and ending with my Pop-Pop last winter. Two of my close friends died tragically in high school, one in a car accident and the other who was murdered (which is still unsolved). All of these people were in my life on a weekly basis. I have vivid memories, letters, notes, photos and gifts from all of them. I miss each and everyone of them and thankfully I do have some peace now. But from time to time I do specifically cry out to God for justice when I think of my friend Shellie. Rachael "Shellie" Carson was my best friend in 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. She was raped and murdered the day I left for college by the soccer fields we used to play on. If her attacker(s) will not be brought to justice in this lifetime, then they will certainly be in the next.

I am going to end this blog on a down note, so sorry. Just thinking about my grandparents and friends is very hard and still hurts deeply. There are regrets and guilt wrapped up in that sorrow too. I will say that I hope to one day be able to talk to Deirdre wisely about death and in a healthy biblically sound way. However it is not something I ever hope for her to experience - despite the impossibility of that hope. 

Daily Verse: 

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 9:23-24

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