A little red string

Last week the little people and I got to go spend some time with two of my very closest friends, Lila and Anya. Both of them moved this past summer *sob* so we're further apart now and visits are a treat! The bulk of our time was with Anya outside of DC, but halfway in between her house and mine, is Lila's Homestead. As you can see we all had a blast there. I wish I could just move in. It made me miss our animals. Her home is one of those special places that you just palpably feel enveloped by love and good vibes when you walk in. It's a special place. Not to mention, her sweet little one has a special place in my heart. I am hoping I can be his adopted auntie since I LOVE him so.

After our respite with Lila, we headed north to DC to stay with Anya. I don't quite think I can put into words just how special my friendship is with her. Soul sisters I think is a good way to describe it. Not to mention, our kids are all best friends and the same ages, ha! The way we met and the way our friendship has developed, and continues to grow, just sorta blows me away. It's kinda hard to argue that fate doesn't exists with friends like the ones I have. On my dark days, clinging to those undeniable links in my life have helped tremendously. But I digress!

DC was great. It was busy, crazy, and wild with 6 kids between us and 3 adults. At one point all 3 of my kids were sleeping on top of me. But oh how numbered my days of this are. I can take it. Being with Anya, who has literally walked me through all my dark hard times over the past 16 months, was a good reminder of how far I have come, how strong I am, what I truly want out of life, and that I got this.

I won't lie though. I am going on 2 months of this single parent gig and it's intense. Like non-stop overhead sets. Bam. Right now I am sorta glad I did have my kids young because I can still jump out of bed at 3am and run downstairs because Brynna ripped her diaper off again. Or play wrestle and subdue all 3 of them and then pop up to make dinner. Or take all of them on a roadtrip and keep my cool amid the "she's looking funny at me again, MOMMY"!

"Seriously guys? Deep breaths and look out the window!!" PHEW!

But being in this better place where I am right now is so good for my soul. I feel alive and connected to myself and my life again, versus mostly going through the motions and treading water. Things just seem brighter. More vivid. It's kinda crazy really.

Being on call with the kids 24/7 is intense, but for me it's better to actually be physically and emotionally alone in this than to be with someone and still be alone. And for me there is a peace in that. A deep sense of contentment and warmth right in the center on my being.

A lot of things that happened in my past have been coming to mind of late, things I did not quite understand at the time. All of which seem to have been growing and equipping me for this current stint in my journey. I love being able to connect the dots right now, as much as it also hurts.

So yeah, I got this.

I'll see you all on the other side :)

My sharky boy who is about to be 4! Ah!

A male Cooper's hawk right in downtown DC! 

Love & Light,

Young Mothers and Choices

Wow things are beginning to move fast here! I can't believe that Saint Patrick's Day has already past and Easter is around the corner (as well as the new baby's arrival). It also has been hot the past few days, as in not Springtime warmth, but summer heat. I thought I'd never be putting on sunscreen in March, but low and behold... this week I did!


I also do not envy other mothers whom have their third trimesters during the summer. Up to this point I've been spoiled by only being largely pregnant during Winter. This heat is no fun, not to mention I really have no warm weather maternity clothes so I just look silly and overexposed shoving myself into my non-maternity summer clothes. But I am enjoying the final weeks of my pregnancy. Despite the aches and heat, I am happy and happy to wait. I guess since this is my third pregnancy I have more perspective on how fleeting this all is. I love being wobbly and round. 

Me, at 21, holding my little Deirdre a few hours after birth. I just couldn't stop staring at her. Everything she did was a little miracle to me. 

On that note, I have been reflecting recently on my motherhood-wifehood-and my pregnancies. I volunteer with a mothers support group and during one discussion two weeks back another mother (who happens to be older than me) was commenting about her mother. She related that even though her mother chose to be a mother when she was young and educated, that she felt her mother resented her (the daughter) for taking away her mother's childhood. Afterwards she said to me, "I hope you don't end up feeling the same way towards your children." 


I have to say her directness took be by surprise, especially since I was the group leader and had never made any indication that I regretted my life's timing. I guess I must be close to her mother's age when she had children. I am also sure that her intentions were pure (I know this particular mother is having a lot of confidence issues herself). So at the time, I brushed off her comment and thanked her for her concern. But it did stick with me and I have been thinking about it. So do I resent my children for taking away my childhood?


The answer is a loud resounding NO! I had a childhood. I don't consider having children and getting married in my early twenties, 21 to be exact, impeding on my childhood (I will be turning 26 this year). Young adulthood, yes. But really, truly, what else would I be doing or want to be doing? 


Working a career- yes probably-but I make a choice even now to not do that and have no regrets. I did finish college and have two degrees to show for it. I traveled before and while I was pregnant and feel I had plenty of good life experiences before then- and I am still having them now! I also had been independent from my parents and taking care of myself for almost five years when I first got pregnant and married. So I'm not really sure what I am supposed to be regretting by choosing to become a mother. I always wanted to have children and Craig and I knew early on in our relationship that our goal was marriage. 

Our wedding, 12-2-07, two weeks before Deirdre was born.

Furthermore, I don't think you have to have gone to college, lived on your own, or traveled in order to not regret becoming a mother, or legitimize your choice. That is just where I happened to be coming from. 


I guess what wanted to say was that I chose to become a mother and a wife, and I did so happily with my eyes wide open. These choices were not forced upon me. Adoption was always an option and for most of my  first pregnancy, it was THE option we were going to choose, until God made it clear that it wasn't the right choice for Craig and I. 


I am not going to lie and say that all of this has been easy, but it certainly has been rewarding. Marriage and motherhood isn't easy period, and I believe going into it at any age presents its own unique challenges. I also am happier, more content, and at peace with who I am and the life I am living now more than ever before. My faith also has a lot to do with that too. 


I respect everyone else's choices and opinions too on the timing of their families, or even the decision to have a family. I just hope people don't think that younger mothers are mothers because they were forced into it and regret it. I am sure mothers of all ages have regrets, and I do too, but not about becoming a mother. It is the best decision Craig and I ever made, next to getting married. 


So there is my two cents for the week. It's been a long time since I have even thought about that time in my life or even remembered that most of society considers still me a young mother at 26. And so what if I am young? I think it is quite empowering to remember we all made a choice to become a mother at the age we did- young or old. Life is too rich and fleeting to get caught up in regrets. I try to live in the here and now. And I like this place a lot. 


Always, 
Nicole 

Marveling at and holding my daughter for the first time!