Friday, July 8, 2011

{A Needed Voice} *warning sad post*

I was a bit unsure of what to write about tonight. I have had a lovely week. I feel like I am on the right track for the move and my kiddos are as darling as ever! Win-win! 

So it might seem odd to write a depressing blog. But its on a subject that needs to be discussed on something I feel moved to share. So I will warn all my pregnant and TTC friends now to not read about this. I do not want to upset you. 



I am writing this blog on miscarriage. Tonight a friend shared a trailer to an awesome short film with me done on how to cope with grief involving miscarriage and stillbirth. I encourage ALL women whom have suffered either to watch this. I also encourage all family members of these women, whom want to know how to comfort them, to watch this. 


Miscarriage is painful. Very painful. It is a unique pain. Not quite the same pain as losing a grown child would be I believe, but painful in its own way nonetheless. I have had two miscarriages. I would be lying if I said that I am 'over' them but I am not. I do have peace about them, which is only due to my faith in God and his providence over my life. I know that it was nothing I did wrong, but it still hurts. I think it actually hurts more now than it did before I had Deirdre and Jonas. Every week or so I think about them. I look at my kids and I think about their possible siblings. I look at the baby clothes that I am giving away and think about them. And well it just hurts


I thought this was abnormal for a long time. I even talked to a therapist about it, but it turns out that I am not alone and this is part of the grieving process. So my other friends out there dealing with this, you are not alone. I still cry too. And five years later is still hurts. 


I have miscarried twins and a single pregnancy. One was a little after eight weeks and one was a little after four weeks. Both were unplanned pregnancies and therefore they were not talked about. I can count the fingers on my hand of people whom know about these. One was before I was married and one has been while I have been married. Both of them hurt when I miscarried and both of them felt just like my two healthy full term pregnancies before the miscarriage. 


I do not like to speak of these. One reason is because they both were unplanned and well people to tend to think or say "oh well it was for the best". Let me just put that out there, but that is the absolute worst thing you can say. I was never relieved when I miscarried. I was absolutely destroyed. Both times have been 2 of the 4 worst times in my life. While they were not planned, they were still my children. Children that I will not get to meet in this life and ....well that tears me apart at times. The only person I want to say to me that "this was for the best" is God the father himself, and even then all he has said to me during these times is "I love you" and given me peace. 


Really I think the best thing to do is to give the grieving mother a hug, to tell her sorry, and to tell her that you love her. But that's just me. Because I believe life begins at conception, not just implantation - or birth, I view my miscarried babies as well... babies. Just like I did with Deirdre and Jonas. While this might make it harder on myself to come to terms with, it also in a way makes it easier. I know that one day I will get to meet my children. I know that they are with their heavenly Father as blissfully happy as can be. And I know that they are already home with my lost brothers and sisters waiting to meet Craig and I.  And well that gives me peace.  A pretty powerful and indescribable shalom peace. A peace that truly could only come from my God. 


This peace and knowledge helps me push through those low days when I can't seem to get them off my mind. It helps me to move on slowly and devote myself to the two blessings that I have here with me. It helps me to continue to know that my God is a good and faithful God even when I cannot see it. It just helps. 


So please if you can, take a look at this film's trailer until it is released. Remember you're not alone and that what you're feeling is normal and valid. There are many places online that you can seek help from. Here is one: http://www.thehouseikeep.com/ and a good article on the miscarriage taboo: http://www.gatesfoundation.org/foundationnotes/Pages/jhene-erwin-overcoming-stigma.aspx


Much love and many hugs- Nicole



4 comments:

  1. Nicole,
    Thank you for sharing something so intensely personal. I have a dear friend who has experienced several very difficult miscarriages at a very young age and it's hard to know what to say. I firmly believe that we love and cherish ALL the babies as children...not just those who are born. I plan on sharing this post and the trailer with her.
    Love to you and your family.

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  2. Thank you Anya! I am happy to share. Feel free to give your friend my email. I'd be happy to talk with her or just give her a virtual hug ;) Love you all as well!

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  3. I too have experienced this loss. The pain is terrible. I think about the child, how old he/she is, remember them on what was their due date, and I hurt and long for them. I agree the "for the best" statement is well-meaning, but not the right thing to say. Thanks for the recommendation and for sharing this painful topic that I think many many women don't know how to discuss.

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  4. Thank you for sharing Maria. I am so sorry for your loss. I also remember my due dates. I even had names for the twins I lost. I don't think we realize just how many mothers and women have experienced this loss as well until we speak up. Its just so delicate and taboo, but that needs to change. I am glad you liked the post and I hope you like the trailer and site.

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